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bastardry

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January 15th, 2012

(no subject)

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rings hollow
my tenebrous side doesn't show
what does fells like work of fiction
so real at times i believe it myself
the only thing larger than my false smile
is my false persona
my jester shroud
my happy armor
the real me is somewhat colder
calculation, manipulation, and misdirection
selfcentered and selfloathing
i am a bright tower built over a dark pit
the tower stands straight
but with one blow it crumbles
the truth of it all rings hollow

August 17th, 2009

so i don't have places to vent. myspace is full of people i don't want reading what i truly have to get off my mind. so last night my ex was sad because she's fooling around with someone who has a girlfriend. we talk she gets to that sort of vulnerable reaching out. i want to make her feel better so bad that it makes my heart ache. but the only way i know is to love, to show her how beautiful she is in my eyes, how warm she makes the night in my arms, and how.... then it hits me. GROW THE FUCK UP!!!! truly i love her, but this sort of response is not appropriate nor realistic. so contrary to what i would have done a year or 2 ago, i tell her everything is going to be fine, and i have to go. then i LEFT. this is not something i used to do, before i would have opened my heart to her, opened my mouth and let fly the seductive gifts god gave me. but i left. between that and avoiding "Gasoline" while she has a good thing going and a little one on the way, i think i deserve a cookie.

October 2nd, 2006

the day that i die

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disclaimer:not feeling suicidal, just wistful of a dream



when i meet death, i will not fear

i will not tremble, nor cry

for we are old dear friends

we will laugh of times passed

when we barely missed a meeting

brushed so close in pursuit of one another

but i missed him, and he missed me

untill the day that i die

i look to him, and wonder

why should we meet this day?

he looks to me, and i know

that he took me this day

becuse though i no longer sought him

he had still sought me

to this day, the day that i die

i go to him and like old friends we embrace

out goes lifes fleeting light

but death's arms hold me.

no matter, i've always liked it dark anyway.

September 20th, 2006

becuse it is not funny

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you laugh becuse i'm differant, i laugh becuse you are all the same.
when i first saw that shirt i got chills.
now i see it and i feel pity.
once i was so alive, and living, now it seem i just survive.
but i live my life for many, and for me.
i see that before, when i was "so alive", it was all an act.
i had nothing and i did nothing, i only care about my own fun.
now as i write this i know that to survive is noble.
you can't just live for yourself, and anyone that wants to is a child.
survive, and pick your moments.
it will make them all that much more.

August 31st, 2006

freakin sweet!

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I escaped from the Dungeon of Moonlit Sonata!

I killed Thescarletwoman the leprechaun, Stringmaster the kobold, Clouded Sight the orc, Xeonicangel the fire elemental, Jeanclauds Pet the troll, Shaded Paradox the troll, Laurenellison the gelatinous cube and Notlaurenelaine the arch-demon.

I looted the Shield of Surrealofdreams, a Figurine of Illight, the Crown of Lost Capriccio, the Shield of Theinturn, the Sword of Twistedarmani, the Wand of Bastardry, the Axe of Han Solo and 337 gold pieces.

Score: 462

Explore the Dungeon of Moonlit Sonata and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...

August 8th, 2006

on a lighter note

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last night i bought new porn! this is noteworthy becuse i never BUY porn, i usualy download or see my hookups, it was fun to get something new

July 25th, 2006

here of course!

each catogory is a link to it's meaning, and common behavoirs(asume the opposite for a low score)
Says way too much about me. :(








Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Stability |||||| 30%
Orderliness |||||| 23%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||||||||| 43%
Religious |||||||||||| 50%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Avoidant |||||| 23%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70%
Change averse |||||||||||| 50%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||| 43%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical Fitness |||| 17%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

July 19th, 2006

this probably makes no sense to any of you, becuse it is to one person who will most likely never read it





yes, i was trying to find your journal, i was scared, and i didn't know what you were thinking. i was scared to ask you. i was losing my grip, and starting to cycle again, not that that excuses my actions, i just .... i'm sorry i lied
moving on, you worried about sara, don't, i love her, but it is different, i don't love her becuse she was my first, or becuse we were together so long, i love her becuse along time ago i was comepeatly alone. My family had tossed my out to the street like trash, i lived in my car, and stephens family took me in and treated my like one of the family, but it cost them nothing, when i had to leave there, sara fought tooth and nail with her parents so that i would have a place to live, she took me in even though it hurt her relationship with her mom, and time and time again she has fought for me, and taken me in to her house, she has never turned her back on me, that is why i love her, it isn't about lust or relationship, she has never abandoned me. that gets me to the root of what i keep screwing up. why do i act distant, or like i don't care, becuse i know that eventualy everone will leave me, and i will be alone. i don't talk about it becuse i don't want you to know that sometimes i am just a weak,scared,little kid that never quite grew up. i just realized this and one day you might read it and understand.

i love you, and one day you may know how much

July 17th, 2006

blarg!

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ex-girlfriends, harder than drugs, and less cost finacialy, but it is about the same premise

July 15th, 2006

uhhh duh

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How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

July 13th, 2006

blindness

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where you to blind to see past your own problems
where you to caught up in why or how to leave
to see that i wasn't myself

i was not trying to ignore you, or distance myself
i was trying to ignore me, to distance from the cold
trying to hold on to myself

but you were already gone, when i started to slip
your body was there, but you were gone
you left me in advance

when you were truly gone the dam broke
the self hate flowed like a river
and washed me away

now you want to be my friend, and i laugh
becuse when my life was in your hands
you dropped the ball

July 9th, 2006

i am born!

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as a journal im not much good, my writer is anti-journal.... but i ramble so
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